Royal Sport Charge Blood Orange BCAA-SAA

Royal Sport is the sleek king of the supplement world- eschewing the bulky, half-filled tubs of whey protein and creepy creatine supplements, covered in monsters like a sixth grader’s trapperkeeper for a matte design with minimalistic typeface. It’s what I imagine hipsters would have started on Etsy before Etsy sucked balls, kickstarted with sticker rewards, and then sold to GNC as an exclusive line. They’re made by Cellucor as a GNC exclusive and come in whimsical flavors and high prices.wpid-wp-1427652678112.jpeg Continue reading

Nutrex Research Muscle Infusion Black Vanilla Villain

Nutrex bills this as the best underground bodybuilding protein powder. Yeah, and the Vitamin Shoppe is all in Tyler Durden’s head. Aside from being the worst/most hilarious marketing campaign to hit the shelves- personally, I think “Nutrex Research” sounds more sinister at face value than “Muscle Infusion Black”, this stuff is clean. wpid-wp-1426514593246.jpeg25g’s in the blend, 130 calories, and seven different proteins, although they will not list those proteins. That is the extent of their evil genius, though, and it is one that goes well with fruit and deadlifts. The sole complaint? It smells awful. Like, stale gym locker awful. When mixed with liquid, the odor goes away immediately- it isn’t Cellucor’s cupcake and ass-kicking excitement, but don’t let it deter you from trying it out.wpid-wp-1426514536706.jpegI mean, look at that. This powder incorporates better than a Delaware filing clerk who has just received a fifty-year service award. The red cup clashes with her pink undertones, but for two cups of raspberries, three scoops of protein, i-Satori BioGro, whole milk yogurt, and a can of raspberry seltzer, it is smoother than Kenny G on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. With solely milk and water it also mixes well, with a Nesquik-like effect. Or Quik, if you’re still young and have your best years ahead of you.wpid-wp-1426514577560.jpegFrankly, this stuff is masquerading as a bad guy but is truly ridonkulous. Yeah, that’s right, 2007, I’m taking back the slang that  was never allowed to use as a teenager. Vanilla Villain, you are not fighting The Hulk, nor have you turned me into a super-villain, although I have woken up in the morning to piles of jewels and gold bars that I had not owned or claimed as taxable income before. (Results may vary.)

You are so secretly good, secretly basic and perfect that I didn’t even bother to take a photo of you in unchanged form. Be yourself, Vanilla Villain. Just do you.rating9

Bigelow Caramel and Coconut Girl Scout (Samoa) Black Tea

Do you hate people? Children? Do you have a crippling fear of your doorbell ringing unless it’s USPS with five free jars of peanut butter and boxers? Do you miss escaping town and never coming back? Do you have nostalgia for the brands and delicious high-snob of Fairfield County, Connecticut? Are you me? If so, get this tea!wpid-wp-1426363530825.jpegBigelow Tea has combined forces with the Girl Scouts to create cookie-flavored tea. Yes, they took the easy route and combined flavors that already exist in tea, eschewing a chance at historical tea design with Tagalongs and going for ‘coconut and chocolate’ and ‘mint and chocolate,’ as if we don’t know the cookies those demarcate. I’ll review them anyway, because I, too, am powerless to the Girl Scout sales pitch, even if it is at 11PM on a Wednesday at an abandoned grocery store. Continue reading

Cadbury’s Marvellous Creations Jelly Popping Candy Chocolate

I’m putting off a difficult task and it’s getting in the way of the generally hilarious tomfoolery on this sinking ship of a semi-never-famous empire that I created back in high school when love was merely a hilarious anagram for evol and all my shirts were from woot.com. It isn’t the blog- that’s collateral damage in the larger scheme of pulling the trigger on the Rube Goldbergian stage of bureaucratic events that enable me to not go to France next year to study and cavort and live minimalistically while still maintaining a sense of style, escapism, happiness, and jeunesse that I struggle to find in Hartford. That would have made such a great novel. That novel would have pushed Eat, Pray, Love to the curb.

I would have had the best author photo. Or at least the best byline on my article at The Toast.

Yes, quite the problem to have, it’s funny in a stupid, hyperspecific way, like being catfished by a stock photo, but I still haven’t quite reached the point where I’m comfortable typing those words or pressing the button that pushes me another turn around the carousel before I have to hop off and enter the real world and get a job. In this world, the carousel is also not limited to children, keep that in mind, so I’m definitely not imaginary trespassing in this imaginary theme park allegory that I have created.wpid-wp-1426178357617.jpeg Continue reading

Eleni’s Cookies Sweet Seduction (Fifty Shades of Foodette)

Did I expect to be chewing off the bra of a stranger the day before Valentine’s Day? No, but the weekend is young and the Bedfellow’s donning of the red fedora has me roving the streets. Little did I know that she condoned this type of illicit activity. We have a DADT policy in our arrangement…don’t ask, don’t tell the trainer. So when this arrived in a box from Eleni’s Cookies, I knew I could trust this to stay secret and copacetic.wpid-2015-02-13-10.08.11-1.jpg.jpeg Continue reading

Pink Peppercorn Orange Chicken and Soba Salad

I participated in an Influencer Activation on behalf of IC for Blue Dragon. I received product samples and a promotional item to thank me for my participation. No bias, no BS, no bad recipes. Enjoy. DSC_1984I love Chinese food. Unfortunately, the Chinese food around Hartford, with the exception of the lip-tingling Shu, tastes as if it’s all sourced from one underground tap-based factory gurgling from the bottom of the city somewhere near Waterbury. It’s bad. And it’s all the same- bad takeout containers, lukewarm food. Thankfully, we have a massive Asian grocery close by and a few decent places to whet my whistle for decent Chinese cuisine, so I’m able to try my hand at it when I have the chance. And the more I enjoy the authentic recipes and flavors, the more weird, hipster things I can do in the privacy of my own home, hence this pink peppercorn orange chicken and soba salad. Continue reading

Brick + Wood, Fairfield, CT

Ain’t no party like a Neopolitan pizza party, because a Neapolitan pizza party is held five feet away from a 1,000 degree oven. Oh yes. Brick + Wood in Fairfield is the latest pizzeria to grace the Gold Coast, and a mighty good one it is indeed. We attended a press dinner a few weeks ago, full of hijinks, Italian cocktails, and dessert in Fairfield. DSC_1410 Continue reading

Myojo Ippei-chan Yakisoba Japanese Style Noodles

Yesterday I started my hypertrophy training. Today, I was ass-deep in estate tax notes to the tune of 115 pages. Today, I ate my lean muscle mass in ramen. We all know ramen is elevated as an obsessive art form in the US, ever since we discovered that the rest of the world knew how good ramen was long before we cracked open our first Maruchan. But I’ve discovered the intersection of boxed, laxy convenience and near-gourmet seasoning and preparation. Its name is Myojo Japanese Yakisoba, and it played the dozens with Nissin’s version and won hard. Sauce in the house, playa.DSC_1949 Continue reading

Epic Beef Cherry + Habanero Bar

Superbowl Sunday holds a great deal of significance to me- a day savage and full of masculinity, a day to reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, pump iron, and take a cool lavender bath. To change the channel from NBC to the Animal Planet and watch the Puppy Bowl over homemade Pad Kee Mao and Riesling. But above all, to eat copious amounts of meat. Let all humans take the day to observe a protein-based diet, rife with trend-influenced flavors like buffalo, chipotle, and ass-reaming hot. I’ve got a meat bar in my pocket, and no, I’m not just happy to see you.DSC_1800 Continue reading

Coca-Cola Brisket Sliders

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #PrepareToParty #CollectiveBiasDSC_1614Football food time! Yeah, buddy! Time to make a couch out of potatoes and attempt to follow games. I’m kidding, I’m now a rabid Arkansas fan now, so I’ll hang onto my relevance despite knowing it isn’t college ball season any more. Teams won games, balls were thrown, some balls were deflated, jokes were made. This is a particularly intellectually compelling season so I might follow along. In any case, I’ll make food, and because we had a blizzard this week, I’m lucky to be noshing on the last of my Atlanta brisket, made with Coca Cola. Pardon my Bubbi’s recipes, but this might be the best brisket I’ve made, and it’s so easy. Come, take a journey with me.DSC_1608When #CollectiveBias challenged me to come up with a recipe, I knew it had to involve meat as I am a full-time carnivore intern now. The recipe is easy and takes a mere overnight to make, so you can dream of brisket as it cooks. wpid-img_20150121_230133297.jpgI purchased a six-pack of half liter bottles of Coke from Walmart for this, four for the recipe and two to hide away as a post-workout treat. To offset the sweet flavor and complement some of its spicier notes, I made a rub out of reduced Coke, boiled down into a thick syrup, then let it layer onto the meat as a paste before spreading on a mixture of chipotle pepper, garlic, onion, and cumin. DSC_1600Six oranges and the Coke went into my crockpot, then the meat, and I sent it off to bed, dreams of cheerleaders and beef dancing through my head. From there, it was a matter of slicing and devouring. The beef was tender and easy to cut through after exactly 9 hours on low (your crockpot may vary) and I piled it high atop sweet rolls with hot sauce, melted cheese, and a few spicy bread and butter pickles. Portable and piquant, they were great for relaxing! The ultimate champion of comfort food.DSC_1612So, what goes into your game day treats? Make this and I guarantee you’ll have neighbors and friends calling from miles away.