My bucket list is small, and admittedly, kind of dumb. I want to drive around aimlessly and listen to music, I want an auxiliary port in my car. I want to magically know when to end phone calls, and I wouldn’t mind having running water in my apartment more than three days a week. I also want to remember to bring my camera everywhere I go.
And after buying the new Ben and Jerry’s Core Hazed and Confused Ice cream, I’ve fulfilled another bucket list item: grand ice cream slice-a-thon. I’ve seen people do it before. It’s made me wildly jealous and simultaneously wasteful, and now, I‘ve taken a chevroned knife to America’s sweethearts in the only legal way possible. (Pssst, wanna knife your own ice cream? Roddy helped me do it!)Hazed and Confused- I’m not entirely sure what ‘hazed’ means in this context, but I take it involves grinding hazelnuts and smoking them in some fashion. Will this replace the reefer? Only time will tell. That being said, gives an entirely new meaning to chestnuts roasting, na’mean? Hazed and Confused has chocolate chocolate chip ice cream, hazelnut ice cream, and a smokin’ Nutella core. Sometimes a bucket list fulfillment is disappointing. It’s like receiving a jar of Nutella as a gag gift for Christmas. That’s a dumb gift. This is a dumb ice cream.
The chocolate chip is the heaviest flavor. Rich and dry, and full of chips. Before I knew hazelnut ice cream could be accomplished by our fumbling American fingers, I thought the lighter flavor was vanilla, as it tasted like it, lacking the nuttiness and roasted flavors of its inspiration. I apologize in advance for intentionally styling these to resemble various animal output for further testing, but god help me, I did it for science.The core is, unfortunately, roughly 10% of the entire ice cream, and doesn’t span the enormous river of flowing glucose its dear creators would have you expect. It is a thick, dense flavor of Nutella, or a non-infringed Nutella brand, though the merger lovin’ suit in me roots for the former. It’s not really fudgy, it just has a grainy, thick texture. Together, the flavors are muddled. It’s a Franco-Italian hybrid adrift in mid-America, and the result ain’t pretty, leaving eaters with sophisticated Euro-diabetés, emphasis on the ‘ayyys.’ Cheers to its siblings, and let’s hope the UK has had better success with the Core line than we have.